Mr. Wolfe, a now convicted murderer
Porky Cochrane, his defense attorney
Steak Darden, the prosecuting attorney
Judge
Mr. Weasel, half-blind witness
Mr. Porker, the third little pig and the second witness
Mrs. Porker, the mother pig
Maintenance man
Police man
Bodyguards A&B
Cafeteria Worker
Jury Member

(Mr.Wolfe, 2 body guards and Porky Cochran enter waiting room outside court room. Enter judge)

Judge: "You may now enter the court room when ready."

( Porky Cochrane and Mr. Wolfe follow judge into court room.

Body guards close doors to court room.)

Body guard1: "Do you think that Mr. Wolfe is going to get out of there alive?"

Bodyguard 2: " Na' he looked as guilty as Cain."

Bodyguard 1: " Bet' ya' five he is innocent."

Bodyguard 2: " You're on!"

( In the courtroom) (Stage is set up like a courtroom. When lights go up, we see the judge sitting behind the stand. Porky Cochrane is sitting to the judges' right and Mr. Wolfe is sitting at the witness stand. Steak darden is sitting at the judges left with Mrs. Porker, the pig's mother.)

Judge: (In a lisping, but somewhat annoying voice): "Members of the court please rise.(They rise.) Mr wolfe, you have been charged with the psychotic homicidal murder of Hank and Bob Porker, and the attempted murder on William Porker. How do you pwead'?"

Mr. Wolfe: (In a Texas accent) Uhh... Uhh... I always fe rget these things, but my liar... Uh... I mean Lawyer her'll tell ya'."

Porky Cochrane:(In a senator's accent) "My client believes he is one hundered percent not guilty as charged."

Judge: "Prosecuter, you may now begin questioning."(They sit down)

Steak Darden:(In a Russian accent, brushing his fingers together continuously) Mister Volfe, vere vhere you on dee night of November the fourteenth, ninehnteen nienthy sveven?"

Mrs. Porker: "Yeah, where were you?" *Snort*

Mr. Wolfe: "I was making a cake fer my Granny."

Steak Darden: "Ees it true that you vent to the home of Hank Porker to borrow a cup of sugar?"

Mrs. Porker: "Is it true?" *Snort*

Mr. Wolfe: "Yes, it is true."

Steak Darden: "Then vhy was your cookbook turned to page 297, the reccepiee for Purk Chops?"

(Porky Cochrane and Mr. Wolfe whisper.)

They say in unison: "The window was open and the wind was blowing!"

Steak Darden: "Then vhy was the jacket of your book Leafed into page 297?"

Porky Cochrane and Mr. Wolfe confer secretly: His brother did it! (Pointing to each other)

Mrs. Porker: I can't take this anymore. They're all lying! *Snort*

(Exit Mrs. Porker, crying)

Steak Darden: Ees it also true the you accosted a girl by the name of Little Red Riding Hood last Tuesday at seven o'clock?

Porky Cochrane: (Standing up rand pointing at Steak Darden.) Objection your honor! This man is refering to a separate charge!

Judge: Objection sustained! (Hitting with his gavel.)

Steak Darden: That brings in my first witness, Mr. Veazel.(Weasel is bumping into things backstage.) Mr. Veazel! Mr. Veazel!

(Maintenance Man enters.)

Maintenance Man: Ahh, he's having a bit of trouble bumpin' into things back a' there.

Steak Darden: Well tell heem to hurry op!

Maintenence: A' Okay! (yelling backstage to Mr. Weasel) Hurry up!

(Enter Mr. Weasel with cane and huge glasses. His cane keeps slipping off the floor. He sits at the witness stand.)

Judge: Mr. Weazel do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth so help me God?

Mr. Weazel: Ya. You're lucky I'm in a good mood!

Judge: Prosecutor, you may now begin questioning.

Steak Darden: Mr. Veasel, vher vhere you on de niaght of November de fourteenth, nientheen ninetheen sveven?

Mr. Weasel: I was walking along the road, when I dropped my glasses and I saw a wolf fly through the air and a house fall down.

Steak Darden: Point to de volf thet you saw.(Mr. Veasle points at the judge)

Porky Cochrane: Mr. Weasel are you very farsighted?

Mr. Weasel: (Looks at Porky Cochrane.) Your honor, I have a three eyed man next to me.

Porky Cochrane: Your honor, it is clear to see that this witness cannot se pass the end of his nose. The witness is excused.

Judge: The witness is excused. (Exit Mr. Weasel)

Steak Darden: My next witness will be coming in shortly. (Enter Mr. Porker)

Judge: Mr. Porker, do you swear to tell the truth, the whole twuth, and nothing but the truth, so help me God?

Mr. Porker: Yes I do.

Judge: Prosecutor, you may now begin questioning.

Steak Darden: Mr. Porker, vher vhere you on de niaght of November de fourteenth, nientheen ninetheen sveven?

Mr. Porker: I was in my house, watching the news.

Steak Darden: Ees it true that you vere brrrrrutaly assaulted by that volf over there?

Mr. Porker: No though it is true that I remember by a distinct mark on his left cheek.

Steak Darden: Did he say anything?

Mr. Porker: He said little pig, little pig, let me come in. And I responded not by the hair of my cihinny chin chin.

Steak Darden: The vitness is excused.(Exit Mr. Porker) The state rests.

Judge: That will bring us to the court recess to give the jury time to reach a verdict. (Exit all)

Scene 3

(Cafeteria line. Mr. Wolfe is in front, followed by Steak Darden. Cafeteria lady is hard at work.)

Steak Darden: Mr. Volfe, vhat are you eating for lunch today?

Mr. Wolfe: Bacon, ham, pork chops and our last witness.

Steak Darden: I must be getting back to court now.

(Steak Darden exits pulling on the collar of his shirt. Lights go down and you find Mr. Wolfe asleep next to Porky Cochrane who is also asleep.)

Porky Cochrane: Wake up and smell the ham you lazy bum!

(Mr. Wolfe wakes up)

Mr. Wolfe: Ham, ham, where's the ham?

(Mr. Wolfe wakes up and starts to run in and out of the wings. While this is happening, the judge is spinning around in a daze trying to grab the wolf. After the wolf exits the front left wing the judge grabs him.)

Judge: You defendants are always so weak minded after lunch!

(Throwing him through the doors and into his seat, the judge sits down and waits. Jury member enters holding a piece of paper.)

Jury member: The jury has reached a verdict.

(Judge takes piece of paper and takes a long time looking at it and finally takes of his glasses.)

Judge: The verdict is....... not guilty!

(Blurb of simultaneous talking drowns the voice of the judge saying order)

Steak Darden: Thees ees eempossible!

Porky Cochrane: A toast my friend! (Throws champagne in judge's face.)

Mr. Wolfe:(Runs up to the front of the stage, and opens his cape like a vampire.) Ham, bacin' pork chopes!

Steak Darden:(Alone) Dere muust be some meestake!

Judge: (He squints at the paper) I mean... Guilty!

Steak Darden: Yes! I knew eet! My career is saved!

Porky Cochrane: All the evidence shows he's innocent!(Enter policeman with handcuffs.) See you in prison Mr. Wolfe.

Mr. Wolfe: You're comin' with me Porky!

Porky Cochrane: Noooooooo!

(Exit policeman with Porky Cochrane and Mr. Wolfe in handcuffs. Exit all)