Computer: Not so long ago in the year 2010 before I became the CD-ROM that I am, when I was a mere disk drive, I belonged to an evil witch.
Witch: Computer, computer on my desk who is the fairest one of all?
Computer: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Snow White is.
Witch: Give me some ways to kill her.
Witch: One: poison her, two: put her in a snake pit, three: put her on the sun, and four: drown her. I have a way of my own. Soldier.
Soldier: Yes sir, I mean ma'am, sorry.
Witch Soldier, I want you to kill Snow White.
Snow White: Hey, why'd you do that? I was about to win!
Soldier: Well that's good, but the evil witch wants me to kill you. So quickly get in this spaceship and flee before I change my mind.
Snow White: Where am I? Mars! Ahhhhh. (She faints.)
Zukana: Look Zordac, there is an earthling approaching our presence.
Zulk: Meep, meep.
Zordac: Let's take her to our house. (Drags Snow White to their house.)
Snow White: (Wakes up.) Ahhhhhh! Martians!!
Zukana: Greetings Earthling. I am Zukana.
Zordac: And I am Zordac and that is Zulk.
Zulk: Meep, meep.
Zukana: Will you stay with the baby while we go to Milky Way Vegas to get rich?
Snow White: Sure.
Zulk: Meep, meep.
Zordac: Bye.
Zukana: Bye.
Snow White: Bye. Now Zulk, it's time for your nap.
Zulk: Meep, meep.
Computer: Back on earth.
Witch: Computer, computer on my desk, who is the fairest one of all?
Computer: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Snow White is.
Witch: That can't be true, she's dead.
Computer: No she's not.
Witch: Where is she?
Computer: On Mars.
Witch: How did she get there?
Computer: Your soldier sent her there and now she's living with three martians named Zordac, Zukana, and Zulk.
Witch: (Screaming) Come. We're going to Mars.
Computer: But I'm a computer. I can't walk.
Witch: Too bad!
Seller: Hey lady, do you have any idea what time it is?
Snow White: (Closing the door on him.) Sorry, my watch stopped ten light years ago. Good bye.
Seller: (Pushing the door open.) Wait, do you want to buy a choker?
Snow White: Sure, I'll have that one. How much is it?
Seller: Five zeeks.
Snow White: Here. Oh I can't get it on. Could you help me?
Seller: Sure. (Puts it on as tight as possible.)
Snow White: (Gasping for breath.) I can't breathe.
Seller: I know dearie. Ha, ha, ha, ha. (Exits stage left.)
Zordac: Look Zukana, I think she's dead.
Zukana: Cool choker. I want it.
Snow White: (She awakens.) What happened?
Zordac: I think the evil witch tried to kill you.
Snow White: Oh.
Zukana: Will you stay with the baby while we go out to buy Super Sonic 2001 cappuccino machine.
Snow White: Time for your nap.
Zulk: Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeep!
Computer: Back on earth again.
Witch: Computer, computer on my desk, who is the fairest in the land?
Computer: Show White is. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Witch: I don't even want to listen to you! (Slams the computer to the floor, breaking it into a million pieces.)
Computer: Delete, delete all files, delete...(Witch exits stage right and soldier sweeps computer off stage right.)
Snow White: Now Zulk, settle down.
Zulk: Meep, meep.
Seller: (Screaming "Mars Bars, Milky Ways.)
Snow White: (Running up to him.) Mars Bars - how much?
Seller: Three zeeks. Here you go.
Snow White: I can't breathe...uhhhh.
Zulk: Meep, meep, meep.
Seller: Ha, ha, she's finally dead.
Zukana: Snow White, do you want to try this coffee?
Zulk: I want some.
Together: His first word!
Zukana: She's dead.
Zodac: Let's check for chokers.... nope.
Zukana: She's really dead.
Zordac: Well you know the tradition on Mars. We must throw her off the edge of the planet. (Push her off the stage. Martians exit. Astronaut enters stage right.)
Astronaut: Houston, we have a problem. There is a girl doing Chinese dancing so I'm going out and getting her. Over and out. Houston, there is a Mars Bar that just popped out of mouth and....
Snow White: Ehh, uhhhhh, hi.
Astronaut: Uhhhh, hi.
Zordac: (Walks onto stage.) It was love at first sight.
Zukana and Zordac: The end.
(Witch enters.)
(Computer prints out ways.)
(Soldier enters)
(Witch exits. Snow White enters and starts playing the computer. Then soldier comes in and turns off the computer.)
(Soldier pushes Snow White into space. She lands somewhere on Mars and gets out.)
(Martians enter.)
(Zordac and Zukana exit stage left.)
(Snow White drags Zulk off stage left. Computer enters.)
(Witch enters stage right. Soldier enters stage left with broom.)
(Exit stage right. Snow White and Zulk enter stage left. Snow White starts dusting. Male seller enters stage right.)
(Snow White falls to the ground dead.)
(Martians enter.)
(Zordac and Zukana exit stage right.)
(Snow White drags the meeping Zulk off stage left. Computer enters.)
(Witch enters.)
(Snow White enters with Zulk stage left.)
(Seller enters.)
(Snow White takes bite of Mars Bar.)
(Exits stage right. Martians enter stage left.)
Copyright Marjorie Hillocks, The University of Chicago Laboratory Schools May, 1996
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